i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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