I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A bitchslap is in order.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
