im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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