The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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