if only i could text you this smell
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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