This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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