I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
