I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
