Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
