She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
