oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
