hotel room ftw
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
