she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
