his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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