did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
