I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You left your underwear on the fireplace
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I deserve to be covered in dicks
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
