i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
