he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
