I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
