I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
