I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
