i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
