Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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