true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
