Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
40s are totally the cure
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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