i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
