there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
