When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
