i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
