he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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