Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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