Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
