Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We left the knife in your bed.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
