As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
