Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
