That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
