Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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