So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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