Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
