I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I understand Curling. That high.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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