I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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