I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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