he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
