I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
