I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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