so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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