i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
