she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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