I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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