I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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