mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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