just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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